Planting Seeds

Life has always been an uncertain and scary occupation. There have always been natural disasters, acts of violence and cruelty, illness and death. Bad things have always happened at the worst possible time. However, I think that today, we are exposed to more fear and horror than ever before, and it is having its effect. While we live in an age when people live longer, healthier lives, in a world with more luxuries, opportunities, knowledge, and choice than ever before, we tend to believe that things are actually getting worse.

I think this has a lot to do with what we allow to capture our attention.

Your attention is always on something. And it's usually in reaction to things, rather than by willful choice, that our attention seeks it's objects out. When we are listening to someone speaking, and someone walks in suddenly, we don't stop and decide which thing is more important to focus on. We just look up to see who's coming in. This is a reaction. When our significant other speaks angrily to us, we reply in kind. We don't weight all the possible responses to pick the best one, we just snap back. It's a reaction.

And when we have our attention focused on violence, such as that seen on TV or in the newspaper, violent thoughts arise in reaction (or fearful thoughts, or thoughts of disgust). We don't decide what's coming up in our mind next, after seeing an image of a man striking his wife, or learn of a brutal homicide, or see people exhibiting divisive or hurtful behavior. We react, reasonably, with thoughts and feelings we generally consider to be negative (fear, anger, contempt, condemnation, etc.).

So, why do we focus so much attention on things that are violent, frightening, or contemptible? The news is full of stories of war, hate, killing, disease and misfortune. TV shows and movies are often tales involving violence or destructive interpersonal conflict. When was the last time you went an entire week without seeing someone killed or subjected to violence in the media? How often do you think people 100 years ago saw these things?

Now, I'm not advising that you give up your favorite shows or your access to worldly information. All I say is, if you're going to subject yourself to opportunities where these kinds of seeds can be planted within you, be aware of when you are doing so, so that by your own reactions, you do not water them any more than necessary. Awareness is the key to undoing habits of thought (Ch.1), so when you are bombarded with negative imagery, you can become detached from the chain of thoughts to follow, remain objective, and maintain an inner peacefulness.

Jim

The Most Interesting Person in the World...

Who occupies the vast majority of your thoughts? Whose miseries are the most painful to you? Whose luck is the most important to you? Who's flaws are the most worrisome to you. Who do you worry most of your worries for? Who's good fortune do you celebrate the most? Who do you feel sorry for the most?

Whose happiness do you spend all your time and energy on?

If you said, "Me!", congratulations. You're in good company (much more important than if someone else is in good company, I'm sure). We humans really do spend a lot of time on our selves. Even the most generous and giving among us still dwell on their own problems and wants the most. In fact, it frightens us when we think our happiness is unattainable, and it fills us with joy to get what we want. Life is the "Story of Me" for nearly every human on Earth, and we all sit on the edges of our seats, hoping the story will turn out the way we want.

But here's the thing: when it comes to your power to generate happiness, and relieve misery, YOU are the person you are LEAST equipped to serve. Think about it. How many times do you have to tell yourself you're a wonderful person to get the same degree of satisfaction that you would get from another person telling you this? Nothing moves us like a sincere appreciation of our self. A momentary look from a person we find attractive can have us feeling good all day, when staring in the mirror (no matter how approving the face you make) is likely to only lead to dissatisfaction, as the fear that our faults will barre us from happiness.

When we give our interest to ourselves, in other words, it only yields a tiny percentage of the happiness we get when we give our interest to others. And the thing of it is, since we all are grateful for the interest given to us (sincere interest), we generate a great deal more interest in our own self by devoting our attention to others. It's a bit counter-intuitive, really. Most of the time, the more we pay attention to a thing, the more we get out of that thing. However, when it comes to the self, we get more by diverting our attention to other selves, and forgetting ours entirely.

Give it a try, and you will see. Forget yourself intentionally for a day, and devote your attention to others. Make your priority the happiness of your spouse, your lover, your child, your neighbor, anyone but you. The satisfaction that will ultimately come to you will be more than you could ever dream of giving yourself.

Jim

Arguing

What is it that we are trying to accomplish when we get into an argument? What is the goal of this competition? We are trying to change the view of another to our own. We are trying to make another person see things our way, and we take it very seriously, indeed. We throw logic at them. We raise our voice. We may even insinuate something negative about the character of that person if they continue to resist. But what, ultimately, do we gain if we are successful?

Well, unless consensus is required prior to taking some kind of action (like deciding on where to go on vacation), arguing is usually about winning. And winning is all about self-validation. In Ch. 3, I talk about the self, and how it is an idea and nothing more. That is, it is a collection of ideas that are bundled together, called "me", and are mistaken for the source of one's consciousness. However, since any and all of these ideas can change without the consciousness going away, they are not the source, but merely experiences that we choose to identify with.

When we argue to win, we create conflict in order to protect this illusion. When someone suggests that our ideas are wrong, there is a threat to self; and since self is mistaken for the source of our consciousness (and therefore our very existence) we feel instinctively obliged to defend it.

In reality, though. Nothing is defended, and nothing changes. If you are 100% successful in changing another's mind, reality is unaffected. What was the truth continues to be the truth, and your self is still just an idea. No safety or strength has been enhanced. If you fail, the same is true. However, since in all contests there is a loser, insecurity (and therefore suffering) is introduced where none existed before. This is all that is achieved by arguing: the creation of bad feelings between people.

So, before being sucked into an argument, ask yourself, as objectively as your emotions will allow, "What is really to be gained here by arguing?"

Jim