Facing Inner Problems

We are often inclined to think that the problems we face within ourselves are not nearly so difficult to overcome as those that come from without. And I believe that most of the advice we receive, be it from friends, self-help books, etc. tends to reinforce this idea.

When we face an outward problem, like looking for a job, solving a dispute with a friend, or coping with a major setback, we are facing not only things that are within our control, but many things that are not. On the other hand, goes the conventional wisdom, inner problems contain only elements we can control, so they should be much easier to deal with. Whether that problem is an addiction, a fear to be overcome, or low self-esteem, it can be dealt with by a simple change in attitude, being willing to take the time to get organized, or "getting off your butt" and changing yourself.

Well, after 44 years of life, I'm fairly convinced that that is nonsense, and that our inner problems are, in fact, the most difficult hurdles we will face in life. And I believe that the idea that they should be easy to solve only contributes to that difficulty.

Consider the alcoholic, or the procrastinator, or the nervous eater. It seems like all they would have to do is stop participating in their bad habits, exert a little willpower, and their problem would be solved. However, if this is the case, why do each of them continue in their self-damaging habits, in spite of a great deal of guilt and painful feelings of failure? These problems are more difficult because they involve our relationship with our self (Ch. 3). We take these behaviors and we identify with them, and if we do not like them, we experience the pain of not liking ourselves. This pain undermines our confidence, which in turn weakens our resolve to battle our bad habits. This pain also demands comforting, which our bad habits, more often than not, were taken up to provide in the first place, setting the stage for a vicious cycle. Adding a belief that it should be easy only adds fuel to the fire.

The good thing is, when we do overcome our inner problems, we move forward toward the greater happiness we desire in our life. And while it does require great courage and determination to win these battles, one shouldn't have to fight unreasonable beliefs that they would be easy to solve if not for some personal shortcoming.

Jim